The Evolution of Weird Kids

Prahasith Maddury/ January 1, 2017/ Uncategorized/ 0 comments

Steve, in 2009, stated that “that dude over there, why is he collecting rocks? Why doesn’t he play volleyball with us? Man, he’s scaring me. Why is he drawing a finger across his neck? Is he trying to suplex a boulder? Hah! Fucknweeb! Of course he can’t suplex a boulder!” (p. 42). The “Fucknweeb”, as Steve had labelled him, was the first documented incident of the Weirdos Kidinus (plural: Kidinii) messing with human kids. In this article, we shall try to understand the many adaptations that the Kidinii took to, well, adapt to the perils of their larval stage. Eventually, as has been noticed, a lot of the adult Kidinii blend into the Homo sapiens society.
Though not with extreme malice, the Weirdos Kidinus species was preyed upon by the Coolius Kiddos. The Coolius Kiddos were exceptionally good at hunting the Kidinii because they had evolved to disguise themselves as the benevolent Chillbig Dooderinos. This evolution quickly put the Kidinii on the endangered list, but a section of the Kidinii had soon circumvented this problem by “evolving” {Mark (2003, p. 69)} into the Gotho sub species. This was considered a bad move by every expert out there, other than Luke (An interesting observation is that every expert, other than Luke, had reached a unanimous conclusion that Luke was a gotho). The gothos are characterised by an abnormal hatred towards their parents (and life in general). They also show an unusually high affinity to songs with introspective and romantic lyrics, dark clothes, and dark ideas in general. Of late, experts, including Luke, have come to a conclusion that the gothos are actually a sister species to the eemoes (pronounced ee-moe). The difference between the species being the target of their hatred. While the gothos evolved to hate the world, the eemoes evolved to hate themselves. Experts (Luke) have decided that “The gotho path is superior and everything else is stupid and we uh… they hate the world. Ugh!”
Now, we move to the weebo clan. Notice that this scholarly article says clan because, well, the weebos aren’t a specific species, but a community that festers in the weird world of Japanese comics and animations, which are called animes and mangas respectively [1]. They are usually cool people, just like all the people of the Kidinii species. You just have to get to know them. The weebo clan has an unusually bad reputation because of the perverse and fucked up people who are in this clan. Experts agree that these perverse and fucked up people are the worst “human beings” on this planet. They are, of course talking about the Naturo fan community. The Naturo fanbase is so perverse and fucked up that they don’t even pronounce the show’s name properly. Experts, including Luke, agree that it is pronounced Naturo. This clan is, coincidentally, what Steve was referring to during the first documented exposure to the Kidinii. This was obviously a weird thing, because the community of Kidinii was named before the Kidinii were even named! A panel of experts had furiously debated as to which species Steve fell into, and came to a conclusion that he was a Kidinus [2]. Another notable feature is that this clan watches anime for the plot [3].
Now, we move to a cool-as-shit [4] subspecies, called Nerdaria. This noble subspecies probably experiences the worst bullying on the terrifying planet of Midlskuul. The Nerdaria that do make it out of the planet with their enthusiasm [5] for things intact grow up to be absolutely bang-up people to be around. The Nerdaria, according to experts, pride themselves on their encyclopaedic knowledge of a topic, which is a boon if you like pissing people off. Just get a detail wrong and insist that the Nerdarian being spoken to is wrong. The only thing left to be done is to experience ecstasy while their blood boils in rage.
This brings us to a very similar subspecies which is the Geekaprius. These people are the Chillbigs of the Kidinii species. This subspecies of, basically, rockstars are evolutionary cousins of the Nerdaria, but they have unfortunately lost the fantastical ability of Social IneptitudeTM. These goshdarn rockstars have awesome cosplay parties and bang hot people and they are hot themselves and there’s nothing wrong with that but there is something wrong about that because what have we nerdarias done to deserve otherwise, I mean come on I know there are hot nerds but the chances are slim as frick with all the social ineptitudeTM that we nerdaria haven’t been able to breed out and feces this is bull feces!![6]. Jerry, who is totally an expert, has confirmed that geekaprius are cool and nerdaria aren’t [ Experts are sure that Jerry ( totally an expert) is a geekaprius, but the author has his suspicions as he thinks Jerry isn’t cool enough]
Before the author becomes frustrated with his romantic entanglements [or lack thereof], the author would like to point your attention to another clan. This clan is called the doodlyfrumpia. That fucking Kidinus. The dude [7] who’s constantly doodling stuff and getting hissed at by the teacher? That dude. That dude will probably be on the path to being an amazing artist by the time they’ve escaped from Midlskuul, provided someone doesn’t crush his spirit. Joe ( 2013, p.420) says that the primary reason for the metamorphosis of many doodlyfrumps is the inclusion of a bad Teechydude [8] in their natural habitat.

This Ph.D thesis aimed to enumerate and shed light on the Weirdos Kidinus species, but with the numerous adaptations made to, well, adapt to their surroundings, it is practically impractical to actually enumerate them. This thesis ended up only enumerating a very small number of the types of Kidinii, citing various sources and experts [9]. All references will be mentioned after the footnotes.
FOOTNOTES:

[1]Many weebos may have become enraged at the what they think is their beloved media being mixed up by an amateur writing a Ph.D thesis, but it is to be noted that these weebos are on the lowest rung of the weebo hierarchy, and that much like scientology, the higher level weebos know the real truth that the names of the media are in fact reverse. Why is this? No one knows, but the author has severely jeopardised his life by revealing this secret. Expect him to be assassinated pretty soon (yay!).
[2] That’s cool because no one gave a frick about Steve till he was a Kidinus. Legend has it that no one still gives a frick about him.
[3]plot

[4] Official terminology
[5] read : borderline obsession, which is fantastic if you like discussions about their topic of excellence
[6] The author, being the rookie that he is, has let personal issues flow into his Ph.D thesis. The author apologises for that.

                       cat

                                    Picture: Le cat fo yo troubles.
[7] Contrary to popular belief, dude is a unisex word

[8] Unofficial terminology

[9] Please like, share and give me good grades and a Ph.D, or I’m going to fricking kill myself.

See Also:
1) The Elan Blog: ‘sPretty cool.
2) Your Mom: 2006 called. They want their joke back
3) The IITH Lexicon: Cool as well.
4) Running out of things to say/ refer to
References:
1) Steve
2) Mark
3) Luke
4) Jerry
5) Joe
6) This one’s sick and so had to stay home

Thank 4 reading

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